You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
