Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
