Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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