did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
