i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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