drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
