Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
