can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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