If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
