last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I need moral support for this bender
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
