watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
