the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
