I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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