U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
