I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
