How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
