i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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