And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
