My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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