please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
