No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
