I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
