I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
