Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize