mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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