If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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