The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
