Don't make out with my wife yet
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
