Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
