He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
