I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
