My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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