don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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