So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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