If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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