Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
