I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
