I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
