I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
