I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
handjob tips. give me some.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
