mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize