so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
