I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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