dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
