Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
tell me about the eggs
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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