i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
