My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
