i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There's always time for handjobs
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
