Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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