I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
