I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
