Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
