he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
