Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
