can we get nightvision for the apartment?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
