last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
