I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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