aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
