I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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