you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize