she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
