A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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