sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
