I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
you never un-have a 4some
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
