ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
